Archives for October 2013

a day that changed it all – by getting really real

It’s Wednesday. Oct 23, 2013.  It’s cold outside today in the 30’s.  I’m crabby. We’re just coming off a full moon.  Aunt Flo has overstayed her welcome and I’m exhausted. I have been wanting to either yell or cry all day.  Finally, tonight at 7pm I started crying. I walked outside to the garage to get something and just started crying and crying. Praying, pleading for a sign that I’m on the right track with my art career.

Today is the day in 2 different online groups I’m in I did something I’ve never done. I confessed I’m having a bit of a breakdown, I don’t have it all together and I’m scared. I feel like I can’t tell if I’m wildly succeeding in going for my dreams and this is a good scared, or if I’m failing miserably.  I have such big dreams I’m going for and here’s the thing; they are SO deeply personal and close to my heart that it can almost be paralyzing to me when I need to reach out to the next step.  Being an artist is intertwined through my every cell so sometimes I don’t know who to find a healthy distance so that I can take chances without my whole heart involved.

This is the day that I realized there are moments where those completely opposite results and visions of success and failure are only a  sliver apart.  I always pictured success as a road going in the complete opposite direction of failure. So it was obvious to everyone involved what road any person was on at any given time. And furthermore… to get on the other road you’d first have to backstep and trace your path back to a nuetral point and THEN begin on the other path.  I NEVER knew that they can go parallel, criss cross and even merge together here and there and that sometimes you wouldn’t even know what one you were on.  Holy Shitballs.

As I posted my plea for help online the thing that scared me most is that no one would care to help give me advice. I would be invisible.  I cried out of fear as I posted all of my worries.  Then minutes later I cried in amazement and gratefullness as my cyberspace soul sisters poured their support and wisdom my way.

Today is the day my gratitude shifted. A deeper thank you for each person that takes the time to respond to a newsletter I send out, to “like” a new picture I post online of my artwork to even respond to a personal email.

Today is the day I realized I have mindset issues. When I see someone left me feedback on an Etsy purchase and I click on it I hold my breath hoping it’s not bad. Why am I like this? I love myself, yet where does the doubt come from. The fear of confessing what everyone around me already knows. The fear of saying, “Guess what, I don’t have all my shit together”. Intellectually I understand that no one does.  I applaud for the underdogs in stories. I weep out of joy when people go for their dreams.  Why can’t I feel that same appreciation for myself?

Today is the day I realized I don’t know how to be vulnerable.  And do you know who are the most vulnerable?  Those that don’t think they are… and that is not a good thing. It feels like the joke is on me.

Today at 11pm is when I did my Brene Brown and Oprah homework for their online course, this is when I gave myself permission to do the following:

Be shallow, ask questions, give a 100% and maybe still fail, to experiment, to take long baths, to be wrong sometimes, to be crabby or tired or angry… unapologetically at times.  To not apologize for crying, believing in mediums and pyschics and all kinds of woo woo things.  Today is the day that I give myself permission to explore a part time job that will add to my skillset and business goals.

Today I stop worrying what people will think. I will go balls to the walls for my business and my family.  I will make phone calls, get shit done and fight for my dreams.  I know through EVERY cell of my body that one of my soul’s missions here on earth is to work with women. To help them live their most authentic, soulful and inspired lives. I know I do this through my artwork, my stories and community.  I know this. I believe it in. I know I have a story to tell that will help women.  I know that the crap I have gone through in my life is not so that I can sit here now feeling sorry for myself. It’s been my greatest teacher.  I believe in my artwork’s message.  I surrender on what the universe has planned for me on how I will get it out to those who need it.

 

Reflections from a week later: It’s amazing how tough things can be when we are in the middle of it. It’s hard to see beyond our perspective and the big picture.  It’s hard to know how we’re coming off to others, how many things we should be really proud of ourselves for.   You know what else I can say now, I am vulnerable. I am vulnerable throughout painting every painting and presenting it to the world. For writing poetry to go with it not sure if anyone will connect with it. Walking a line between the different parts of my personality; flowy, spiritual artist and obsessive list maker who gets a natural high from budgeting and doing accounting.  I am my friend, a messy, blurred ball of contradictions, good intentions, dreams and mostly love.  This week I’m perfectly content with that.

 

 

The dirty little secret of some of us mommas and wives

 

Let’s get really real for a moment here.

I can remember back, I was living in Texas raising a beautiful 2 year old little girl. I glowed even thinking of her, she was a gift and I loved everything about being a mom.  I really wanted to be a mom that stayed at home and raised her. I had it all figured out, the more I was with her the more I could fill her so full of love, healthy food, and wisdom.  My mom had raised 5 of us, seriously how hard could it be raising 1.  Most of the time it was amazing, fulfilled pieces of me that I didn’t even know were there and I didn’t think life could be better.  Looking back, my marriage was pretty much done. I just didn’t see it.  I really just figured there would be good years and bad years. And the 3 year bad cycle we were in would be followed by a lifelong good cycle… hmmm.  We really never fought so I figured it was fine and I shelved my feelings about it.

But under that, this part of myself that I didn’t want to even see, hear or acknowlede was growing louder.  I started to notice it in pictures, a subtle sparkle that was missing.  What was I doing wrong? I really did love getting to be a stay at home mom and wife.  I was 25 and I just kept plugging.  With my  head high.

When money was starting to get tight I noticed there was something different about the way I handled it. Me, the one who worked 3 jobs while in college suddenly was terrified of getting a job.  How could I even think of putting my little angel into the care of someone else.  And I can’t say I was wrong for having those fears, maybe it was brilliance masked in fear. Realistically, its possible the part time work I may have done at that time very well could have not even paid for the babysitter while I worked, who knows.  The growing issue was something deeper.

I was starting to lose my mojo. My confidence. My certainty of my place in the world.  In theory I knew I had lots to offer but I felt bad and sad about myself.  I was missing my connection to the outside world.  My connection to women that understood me, that wouldn’t judge me or think I’m a bad mom or wife because there was some tough days.

In the years since I have gotten to do it again. Both a new marriage and a new child.  6 years ago I met my soulmate husband.  Then almost 10 years after my daughter was born I got to be a work from home mom with my son.  Things were so beautifully different this time. I made sure to find connection, I continued to work even if only a few hours a week to keep my toe in the water. But most importantly I continued to nurture my own self and honor my place in my family.  I set better boundaries with people and I reached out for wisdom from nurturing and wise women around me.  It isn’t always rosy every second, I’ve felt judged by others outside my family for my choices, there are times I wished I made more money, times I wished I just had a normal job that I could come home from, times I have felt paralyzing fear because I’m pursuing my dream and I want it SO bad. The time I called my sister having a breakdown because I felt like all I was doing was feeding my 4 month old son ALL THE TIME. I wanted my boobs back.  But each of those stressful times passed and have fallen into their proper place with time and perspective.

I think it all comes down to this. We can be really good moms, really loving and doting wives but if we don’t honor our well being as women then we will crack.  I’ve realized how fragile people are. The ones who are having a momentary emotional breakdown are often not the weak ones. They are often the ones who carry more than those around them.  When we aren’t living in tune with our authentic, soulful mission we feel that disconnect.   We need to just quiet down sometimes and listen to what our inner self, God, intuition is showing us is right for us.

I really dream of an online place for us as soulful women to gather, share and support one another. A place without judgement or competition. A place without bragging over our kids test scores or size. A place where we can be strong, wise and nurturing while simultaneously being soft, vulnerable and supportive.  I have visions of having an online community, a series of video interviews with women around the country and the globe who are making things happen and thriving through all walks of life.   My first step in  making these things a reality is an online journey I have created called, “Finding myself in the moonlight”.  This is going to be a 6 week online course where I will facilitate presenting various topics up for discussion, throw out what people have found has worked for them and we will use those things, my own artistic, inspirational touch and the wisdom of everyone in the group to each help ourselves define what works for us. We will work through areas such as boundaries, guilt, self care and more.

You can find out more about this course and watch the videos for it here: http://noellerollinsart.com/finding-myself-in-the-moonlight-2/

 

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I’ve created a few different videos about the course. I wanted to make sure to speak to different groups specifically.  (Just make sure to hit play quickly because it’s horrible to have to see the video frames that youtube has chosen to freeze as the start. ha. )

If you are a stay at home mom this video is for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hgk9vLJ_BNY

If you are finding yourself outgrowing some of the people in your life and you are looking for people that “get” you now and the spiritual, soulful part of you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9XrEgeCZnk

One of my greatest teachers has been my mother.  I’ve shared a very vulnerable lesson I’ve learned through watching her and the heartbreaking frustration of her death. This is for you women that have raised your kids and are now finding your place in the world: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gzy1Vfb8qfs

In October I have AMAZINGLY low early bird registration prices going on. Seriously under $5/week!

If you’re ready to connect with other amazing women of all ages register now.

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