It’s Wednesday. Oct 23, 2013. It’s cold outside today in the 30’s. I’m crabby. We’re just coming off a full moon. Aunt Flo has overstayed her welcome and I’m exhausted. I have been wanting to either yell or cry all day. Finally, tonight at 7pm I started crying. I walked outside to the garage to get something and just started crying and crying. Praying, pleading for a sign that I’m on the right track with my art career.
Today is the day in 2 different online groups I’m in I did something I’ve never done. I confessed I’m having a bit of a breakdown, I don’t have it all together and I’m scared. I feel like I can’t tell if I’m wildly succeeding in going for my dreams and this is a good scared, or if I’m failing miserably. I have such big dreams I’m going for and here’s the thing; they are SO deeply personal and close to my heart that it can almost be paralyzing to me when I need to reach out to the next step. Being an artist is intertwined through my every cell so sometimes I don’t know who to find a healthy distance so that I can take chances without my whole heart involved.
This is the day that I realized there are moments where those completely opposite results and visions of success and failure are only a sliver apart. I always pictured success as a road going in the complete opposite direction of failure. So it was obvious to everyone involved what road any person was on at any given time. And furthermore… to get on the other road you’d first have to backstep and trace your path back to a nuetral point and THEN begin on the other path. I NEVER knew that they can go parallel, criss cross and even merge together here and there and that sometimes you wouldn’t even know what one you were on. Holy Shitballs.
As I posted my plea for help online the thing that scared me most is that no one would care to help give me advice. I would be invisible. I cried out of fear as I posted all of my worries. Then minutes later I cried in amazement and gratefullness as my cyberspace soul sisters poured their support and wisdom my way.
Today is the day my gratitude shifted. A deeper thank you for each person that takes the time to respond to a newsletter I send out, to “like” a new picture I post online of my artwork to even respond to a personal email.
Today is the day I realized I have mindset issues. When I see someone left me feedback on an Etsy purchase and I click on it I hold my breath hoping it’s not bad. Why am I like this? I love myself, yet where does the doubt come from. The fear of confessing what everyone around me already knows. The fear of saying, “Guess what, I don’t have all my shit together”. Intellectually I understand that no one does. I applaud for the underdogs in stories. I weep out of joy when people go for their dreams. Why can’t I feel that same appreciation for myself?
Today is the day I realized I don’t know how to be vulnerable. And do you know who are the most vulnerable? Those that don’t think they are… and that is not a good thing. It feels like the joke is on me.
Today at 11pm is when I did my Brene Brown and Oprah homework for their online course, this is when I gave myself permission to do the following:
Be shallow, ask questions, give a 100% and maybe still fail, to experiment, to take long baths, to be wrong sometimes, to be crabby or tired or angry… unapologetically at times. To not apologize for crying, believing in mediums and pyschics and all kinds of woo woo things. Today is the day that I give myself permission to explore a part time job that will add to my skillset and business goals.
Today I stop worrying what people will think. I will go balls to the walls for my business and my family. I will make phone calls, get shit done and fight for my dreams. I know through EVERY cell of my body that one of my soul’s missions here on earth is to work with women. To help them live their most authentic, soulful and inspired lives. I know I do this through my artwork, my stories and community. I know this. I believe it in. I know I have a story to tell that will help women. I know that the crap I have gone through in my life is not so that I can sit here now feeling sorry for myself. It’s been my greatest teacher. I believe in my artwork’s message. I surrender on what the universe has planned for me on how I will get it out to those who need it.
Reflections from a week later: It’s amazing how tough things can be when we are in the middle of it. It’s hard to see beyond our perspective and the big picture. It’s hard to know how we’re coming off to others, how many things we should be really proud of ourselves for. You know what else I can say now, I am vulnerable. I am vulnerable throughout painting every painting and presenting it to the world. For writing poetry to go with it not sure if anyone will connect with it. Walking a line between the different parts of my personality; flowy, spiritual artist and obsessive list maker who gets a natural high from budgeting and doing accounting. I am my friend, a messy, blurred ball of contradictions, good intentions, dreams and mostly love. This week I’m perfectly content with that.