Let’s get really real for a moment here.
I can remember back, I was living in Texas raising a beautiful 2 year old little girl. I glowed even thinking of her, she was a gift and I loved everything about being a mom. I really wanted to be a mom that stayed at home and raised her. I had it all figured out, the more I was with her the more I could fill her so full of love, healthy food, and wisdom. My mom had raised 5 of us, seriously how hard could it be raising 1. Most of the time it was amazing, fulfilled pieces of me that I didn’t even know were there and I didn’t think life could be better. Looking back, my marriage was pretty much done. I just didn’t see it. I really just figured there would be good years and bad years. And the 3 year bad cycle we were in would be followed by a lifelong good cycle… hmmm. We really never fought so I figured it was fine and I shelved my feelings about it.
But under that, this part of myself that I didn’t want to even see, hear or acknowlede was growing louder. I started to notice it in pictures, a subtle sparkle that was missing. What was I doing wrong? I really did love getting to be a stay at home mom and wife. I was 25 and I just kept plugging. With my head high.
When money was starting to get tight I noticed there was something different about the way I handled it. Me, the one who worked 3 jobs while in college suddenly was terrified of getting a job. How could I even think of putting my little angel into the care of someone else. And I can’t say I was wrong for having those fears, maybe it was brilliance masked in fear. Realistically, its possible the part time work I may have done at that time very well could have not even paid for the babysitter while I worked, who knows. The growing issue was something deeper.
I was starting to lose my mojo. My confidence. My certainty of my place in the world. In theory I knew I had lots to offer but I felt bad and sad about myself. I was missing my connection to the outside world. My connection to women that understood me, that wouldn’t judge me or think I’m a bad mom or wife because there was some tough days.
In the years since I have gotten to do it again. Both a new marriage and a new child. 6 years ago I met my soulmate husband. Then almost 10 years after my daughter was born I got to be a work from home mom with my son. Things were so beautifully different this time. I made sure to find connection, I continued to work even if only a few hours a week to keep my toe in the water. But most importantly I continued to nurture my own self and honor my place in my family. I set better boundaries with people and I reached out for wisdom from nurturing and wise women around me. It isn’t always rosy every second, I’ve felt judged by others outside my family for my choices, there are times I wished I made more money, times I wished I just had a normal job that I could come home from, times I have felt paralyzing fear because I’m pursuing my dream and I want it SO bad. The time I called my sister having a breakdown because I felt like all I was doing was feeding my 4 month old son ALL THE TIME. I wanted my boobs back. But each of those stressful times passed and have fallen into their proper place with time and perspective.
I think it all comes down to this. We can be really good moms, really loving and doting wives but if we don’t honor our well being as women then we will crack. I’ve realized how fragile people are. The ones who are having a momentary emotional breakdown are often not the weak ones. They are often the ones who carry more than those around them. When we aren’t living in tune with our authentic, soulful mission we feel that disconnect. We need to just quiet down sometimes and listen to what our inner self, God, intuition is showing us is right for us.
I really dream of an online place for us as soulful women to gather, share and support one another. A place without judgement or competition. A place without bragging over our kids test scores or size. A place where we can be strong, wise and nurturing while simultaneously being soft, vulnerable and supportive. I have visions of having an online community, a series of video interviews with women around the country and the globe who are making things happen and thriving through all walks of life. My first step in making these things a reality is an online journey I have created called, “Finding myself in the moonlight”. This is going to be a 6 week online course where I will facilitate presenting various topics up for discussion, throw out what people have found has worked for them and we will use those things, my own artistic, inspirational touch and the wisdom of everyone in the group to each help ourselves define what works for us. We will work through areas such as boundaries, guilt, self care and more.
You can find out more about this course and watch the videos for it here: https://noellerollinsart.com/finding-myself-in-the-moonlight-2/
I’ve created a few different videos about the course. I wanted to make sure to speak to different groups specifically. (Just make sure to hit play quickly because it’s horrible to have to see the video frames that youtube has chosen to freeze as the start. ha. )
If you are a stay at home mom this video is for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hgk9vLJ_BNY
If you are finding yourself outgrowing some of the people in your life and you are looking for people that “get” you now and the spiritual, soulful part of you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9XrEgeCZnk
One of my greatest teachers has been my mother. I’ve shared a very vulnerable lesson I’ve learned through watching her and the heartbreaking frustration of her death. This is for you women that have raised your kids and are now finding your place in the world: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gzy1Vfb8qfs
In October I have AMAZINGLY low early bird registration prices going on. Seriously under $5/week!
If you’re ready to connect with other amazing women of all ages register now.