The journey.. the scary, amazing journey…

I’m at the beginning of this journey of trying to accomplish my professional dreams.  Yet it’s more than just my profession, it’s more like the yearning of my heart.  And I’m not sure if I’m at the beginning.. I’m sorta 15 years into it, yet I feel in some ways like I’m just beginning.  You can read more about my journey leading up to this point here.

I’ve sold hundreds of pieces of artwork and I don’t even know how many other painted items, yet I feel almost paralyzed with fear sometimes. Am I enough, do I have what it takes?  Why can’t I just paint… why do I have to know about marketing, websites, getting wholesale reps or licensing reps, building my brand?  I’m trying to analyze my offerings and classify them into marketable groups and lines.  Some of that I think has happened naturally, some of it is utterly scary and overwhelming.  So… after spending the last couple hours feeling sorry for myself, analyzing if I should just give it all up and go work for someone else (I’ve realized that will not work w/ the kids schedules and Bruce’s schedule) so I’m just gonna put on my big girl underwear, roll up my sleeves and suck it up.  And in the true form of someone who feels the calling to teach through example; I’ve decided I’m going to share that journey more openly here.  I don’t intend on whining (much) but I know for me I have read tons of stories of people achieving success and looking back from the end it seems so possible and so much easier to believe in them.  But seriously if we were side by side with Colonel Sanders as he approached place after place trying to get them to sell his chicken recipe I’m sure we would have started to think he was a bit nutty.  After a dozen “no’s” would we have been supportive, encouraging?  How about after 2 or 3 dozen “no’s”?  How about if we watched him receive 1009 “no’s”?  I applaud his tenacity and unstoppable knowing.  I hope I would have done the same them but it’s doubtful.  Now factor in that he was in his 60’s when he finally made this career change.  And look at his success of KFC, unbelievable.  Beyond his wildest dreams I’m sure.

So here it is, as I stand now at age 34 I love to paint. I also know that I want to make a good living from doing it.  I dream of seeing my work in more stores and on products.  I dream of connecting with women, encouraging authentic, soulful living in both myself but those around me. I dream of having a community of women that are empowering, supportive and helping each other to help make the world a better place.

I took a huge leap of faith a few weeks ago and signed a lease on my first studio. I’ve never done my artwork outside of my home so this is so huge.  It has a large room for a classroom and 2 offices, currently one is holding my inventory and the other holds the projects I’m in the middle of.  Plus it’s just down the road from my house!! After the high of all the possibilities and the good feeling of knowing I was taking a step toward my above listed dreams the bottom dropped out and I sat in total fear for a couple of days.  Feeling it and mentally working through it.  Then I decided I can’t let it win.  So I’m taking small steps each day.  I’m going boldly with a bit of blind faith and choosing to believe that if I keep trying with good intention, and learn one new thing a day and do all that I can to not give up then I will get “there”.

I just hate to not feel in control.  It scares me that no one will show up to my classes, no one will care or people will be too busy to notice me even if they would completely connect with my artwork’s message… what if they never see it?  And then I think, what if I am able to make mass amounts of women feel better and inspired through my work, what if through my life story I can help other women avoid the same mistakes.  What if I succeed beyond my wildest dreams and I am able to tune into my life’s purpose and help women in their own life’s journeys.  What if?

Yesterday I did a guided meditation from one of Leonie Dawson’s courses. It was so spectacular.  I was able to envision myself in a tent surrounded by wise women of my ancestry and other teachers that have gone before me and are now passed.  They encouraged me to own my unique voice, own my feminine power, and be strong and wise.  They encouraged me to embrace my inner goddess and go into the world with my head high.  It was so spectacular.  Love her meditations.  Afterwards I just sat in that awesome feeling of being part of a sisterhood. Women helping and embracing women, honoring each other, guiding and sharing wisdom.  There is a beautiful sacredness that is built and felt within that.

I’m hoping that I can document these ups and downs, crazy insecurities, moments of clarity and brave action, all so that it may help others going through this journey someday.  Even if our timing is different, it can be a shared experience.  I don’t think of myself as weak and normally day to day feel very in tune with myself, sure of myself and confident but I think that is why I feel it’s important to share some of these other moments that never get shared.

I thank you for sharing this journey with me!  **Noelle